Labeling

Labeling people causes separations that cannot always be mended. We separate individuals into categories of black, Hispanic, female, old, etc. We separate them not according to their accomplishments or expertise, but by their physical attributes. It certainly isn’t hurtful to call someone who is Latino a Hispanic, or a person of Oriental dissent an Asian.

Do you ever think about why someone is a bully? Could it be that they have been beaten down so harshly, that the only thing that makes sense is to hurt anyone they can? As hard as it is to admit, I have had fantasies of causing others pain. That hurts to say almost as much as the memories. I have never acted on these feelings and I definitely understand them. The pain of being rejected, of being misunderstood while being abused, can be so great that life just plain hurts. Add to that, the inability, strength or permission to express that hurt without being labeled a cry baby or some other such atrocity or even worse being ignored; all that anger bottling up inside until the body becomes a literal pressure cooker and explodes.

What about the other labels, the ones that cause pain, the ones that stay with a person for a long time? Fat, ugly, stupid, retarded, faggot, slut and so on. Fat and ugly were my labels, with stupid thrown in for extra punch. These were my father’s parenting tools. He used them repeatedly and often and with a great deal of malice. (This is not about pity or feeling sorry for myself.) I have learned to be at peace with the past he created and the influence he had on my life and the permission he gave others to treat me in kind. I remember being in my 20’s and traveling from Michigan to Ohio with my sister and her husband to see our older brother. When we pulled up at their home, my sister-in-law came outside and as I emerged from the back seat she called out “Oh, I see you brought the fat one with you.” (That is really a direct quote even after all these years because something’s you just never forget.) Was she being intentionally cruel or was she just fitting in because I had accepted my place in the dynamics of our family as the fat, ugly one? My point being, by using these detrimental labels, we teach others to use them.

How do we stop the cycle of behavior? It has to begin with each and every one of us. Maybe by teaching our children (and even ourselves) to accept who we are, to be proud of themselves and even their physical differences. Letting them be free to explore their strengths and develop habits to enrich their weaknesses. When we accept who we are and not judge ourselves, we don’t judge others. It will be okay for your son or daughter to stand up to peer pressure and not laugh when the “geek” is knocked down in the hall at school or the heavy set girl is ridiculed and called “fatty” or “slob”. It will simply be okay for them to be comfortable in their own skin. Loving themselves, and at the same time seeing the good in others, without the separation of labeling.

The final question for me is when I see anyone being mistreated, will I have the strength of my own convictions to stand up for what I believe, or will I just mind “my” own business?